It's Not Enough
by Clloneclub
Summary: Takes place after 4x08; The first few times it happens Tamsin doesn't mind, because it feels promising in a way, like maybe if they do it enough Tamsin can convince Bo to love her...
1. Chapter 1

The first few times it happens Tamsin doesn't mind, because it feels promising in a way, like maybe if they fuck enough Tamsin can convince Bo to love her. And that's really all it is; fucking. It's never without passion of course, because Bo is a succubus and when it comes to sex she doesn't cut corners, but Tamsin can tell that Bo is just going through the motions. Tamsin knows that if Bo closes her eyes tight enough she can pretend that it's Lauren on top of her, panting in her ear, grasping so tightly to the back of her neck; it's such an easy part to play. When it's over Bo cries and Tamsin just holds her and whispers, "It's okay, I've got you", over and over again; it's not enough, it never will be.

Tamsin knows that Bo is using her in one way or another, but she tells herself that she has already risked so much for Bo, so why not risk her heart two? She tries not to notice the little things; like how Bo never looks her in the eye, and only kisses her to take her chi, and Tamsin gives it all to her, she likes the feeling afterward of being drained, exhausted for all the right (wrong) reasons. She likes reducing Bo to a gasping, shaking mess, she likes to watch it; a train wreck set to a symphony, she can't think of anything more beautiful.

And so she says it, "You're so beautiful", and Bo finally looks straight at her, and Tamsin thinks maybe she has finally broken through because there are tears in Bo's eyes.

But Bo just shakes her head, "Please don't talk".

And so Tamsin is left to wonder how she can still feel so empty even with Bo inside of her. She comes silently, her head in the crook of Bo's neck; she won't let her see her cry.

It goes on for too long, this meaningless, careless fucking. Tamsin always tells herself next time she will say no, she will put an end to it. But then she sees Bo, and even at her most disheveled Tamsin can only see this woman that was never supposed to be real, and after hundreds of years of looking for someone she never thought existed, she still has to do a double take every time Bo walks into a room. She didn't plan for any of this; and sometimes she has to remind herself that she isn't special. Because is there a single person in the world that, given the chance, would not fall in love with this walking contradiction of a woman?

Tamsin wants to be brave; she wants to live up to her Valkyrie name and take Bo for herself the way she took down armies in the Trojan War. But Bo doesn't want to be taken, at least not by her. Tamsin wonders if being brave and doing the right thing are the same, but even if they're not, why should is stop her?

So Tamsin does the wrong thing, (or maybe it's the brave thing, or maybe it's both), and while she's knuckle deep in Bo she catches her off guard with a deep, slow, passionate kiss and she takes her free hand, cups the side of Bo's face and says, "I love you".

Tamsin is expecting to be slapped and pushed away, she's expecting to be in trouble for making this about feelings, but instead, Bo pulls Tamsin against her so tightly that there isn't an inch of their naked bodies that isn't touching. Tamsin can feel Bo's tears, "Say it again", she's pleading.

Tamsin kisses Bo's cheek, "I love you", her eyes, "I love you", her forehead, "I love you", her lips, "I love you", and again, "I love you", until only echoes remain, and they lay their holding each other in an empty silence.

Tamsin knows she is still just filling a roll, just feeding Bo the medicine she needs, because Bo didn't say it back.

All of those 'I love you's' and Bo never says a single one back.

It's not enough, it never will be.


	2. Chapter 2

"All I'm saying BoBo is that you have to take into account the fact that this little arrangement the two of you have could easily turn into a complete train wreck". Kenzi leans on her elbows against the kitchen counter, taking her best friend in slowly. Bo looks irritated and exhausted which Kenzi knows has proven to be a dangerous combination, so she decides to tread as lightly as possible, "I mean you don't want Tamsin to get the wrong idea".

"Tamsin knows it's just about sex Kenz. It's not like we go out on fancy dates and hold hands under the table, there's no room for mixed signals."

Kenzi lets out a long sigh and takes her chances, "Then why did she tell you that she loves you?"

_Tamsin paces back and forth across Kenzi's bedroom nervously, "I told her that I love her."_

_Kenzi sits up abruptly and crawls to the edge of her bed, "You did WHAT now?"_

"_I couldn't help it okay?" Tamsin says whilst throwing her arms in the air, defiantly._

"_Um yes you could help it, BY KEEPING YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Tam, Tam, what were you thinking?" Kenzi reaches out to grab Tamsin's hand in an attempt to stop her from pacing._

_Tamsin turns to face Kenzi but keeps her eyes cast to the ground, "I was thinking that I love her, and then I guess I thought it out loud," Tamsin shrugs, "I didn't mean to, I'm sorry."_

_Kenzi softens instantly when she catches a glimpse of the little, crazy blonde-haired girl that Tamsin was only months ago, and she wraps her tightly in her arms. Even if the Valkyrie had thousands of years on her, she'd always be that little girl to Kenzi; she supposes this is what being a mother feels like. And Kenzi never had a mom that would hold her when she cried so she would make sure that Tamsin never felt that way. _

_Tamsin tries to stifle her sobs, as she grasps tightly to Kenzi's shoulders, "What am I gonna do Kenz?"_

_Kenzi strokes her hair, and does her best to quiet her, "I don't know sweetheart, I don't know"._

"How do you know she said that to me?" Bo snaps at Kenzi, "Oh that's right, you guys tell each other everything now don't you?"

"It's not like that Bo, she just trust me, and I care about her, and I don't want to see anyone getting hurt," Kenzi is silently cursing herself for bringing this up, she knew it was a bad idea.

"Who's side are you on Kenz?"

Kenzi knows Bo well enough to hear the hurt under the question, "I'm not on anybody's side, Bo, I just want you to think about it okay? I know things are hard right now with Dyson and Lauren, and not knowing about the Wanderer, but I also know that using people isn't like you and…Tamsin deserves better from you."

_Once Tamsin has calmed down and stopped crying, Kenzi cautiously pries for more information, "What did Bo say, you know, after you…?"_

"_She asked me to say it again, and so I did, I kept saying it." Tamsin feels shame creeping under her skin just re-telling the story. How could she let herself down like that? How could she be so week? _

"_Tammy, you have to stop," Kenzi pleads, "you can't do this to yourself."_

"_I can't Kenz, this is the only way that I can be with her."_

"If Tamsin didn't want to do this anymore she'd stop Kenzi; she's not a little girl anymore, she is capable of making her own decisions."

Kenzi shakes her head, she wishes she could replay Tamsin's broken voice for her, she wishes she could make Bo understand the pain of not being loved back, but maybe it just isn't a pain the succubus has ever had to suffer. "She can't Bo, not when it comes to you; she's in love with you."

"I can't love her back Kenzi," Bo turns to her, there are tears in her eyes, "I can't."

Kenzi nods, "I know".


	3. Chapter 3

Tamsin's hands shake as she attempts to pour Bo a glass of wine. She hates how nervous she gets around Bo. She can tumble in bed with her like the best of them but when they are here, like this, fully clothed and just _talking _Tamsin is all broken eye contact and sarcastic cover ups. It's not something she's proud of, nor is it something that she completely understands.

It doesn't help that Bo seams particularly nervous herself, "So I um…I wanted to talk about the other night," Bo tentatively reaches for the glass that Tamsin extends to her, "when things got…kind of serious."

Tamsin takes a large sip of her wine, casts her eyes to the ground and fakes a smirk, "You're going to have to be a little more specific; haven't we been getting pretty serious every night as of late?" She means is to sound flirty, and light, but much to Tamsin's chagrin she just sounds flat and slightly bitter.

Bo swishes the red liquid around slowly in her cup, watches as it almost comes over the edge over and over, but never quite gets there. She doesn't want to do this; she's dying to take Tamsin right there on the kitchen counter, throw caution to the wind for now and later, when she's not so damn hungry with desire, sort out all this crap. But Bo knows that if she wants this to continue then Kenzi is right, and she needs to draw some boundaries with the Valkyrie. "No, I mean, you said something to me the other night while we were in the middle of things and I wanted to clear the air and just…make sure that you understand what it is we are doing here."

Tamsin knows what Bo is talking about, of course she knows, but she can't let Bo know that, she needs her to think this is all just a silly misunderstanding, so she pushes, "What exactly did I say?"

"Tamsin, you told me that you love me…"

Tamsin's visibly cringes at these words, because Bo speaks to her to softly, like she could break Tamsin with only her words (she could) and Tamsin hates it. _You asked me to keep saying it. _She wants to scream it at Bo, knock the wine glass out of the succubus's hand, push her against a wall and beg, _why did you do that to me Bo? _ But she doesn't, instead she mutters out as fast as she can, "I didn't mean it. Jesus Bo, is that what this is all about? Come on, tell me you don't hear those words every time you bang some random hottie from the Dal? You're a succubus Bo, remember, love is your weapon."

They look at each other for two beats longer than they should, each taking the other in, tasting the lies on their tongues, letting them seep in and lay over the truth like a thick fog because it's so much easier this way.

Bo nods, lets out a quick sigh, "Yeah, of course, you're right, I just wanted to make sure you know, you weren't getting the wrong idea about our…arrangement."

Tamsin sets her glass down and slowly starts to walk towards Bo; she can't do this clothed talking (lying) anymore, it's just too much. Bo is entranced, watching her walk, her eyes flash blue and Tamsin knows this is all she is good for. She slides Bo's glass out of her hand and guides it down to rest on top of Tamsin's hip bone. Tamsin places both of her hands on either side of Bo's face, "We fight and we fuck, what is there to misunderstand?"

It's good enough for Bo because she lets out a desperate little moan and captures Tamsin's lips with her own. Tamsin tries desperately to keep up with the fast pace of the kiss, but there is a lump in her throat, and she can feel a tear sneaking down her cheek.

Tamsin considers pulling away from Bo and running out the door, but how would she explain that one later? She would rather die than lie her way through another one of these conversations again. And Tamsin can already tell that Bo has lost herself in the kiss, her hands are pressed firmly on Tamsin's chest and she breaks the kiss to hungrily go at her neck. All the while Tamsin stares up at the ceiling trying to will her tears to stay inside.

Bo goes back to Tamsin's lips while her hands gradually descend down Tamsin's body. Tamsin pleads with herself, _walk away, don't do this again, tell her how you feel and walk away, _but then Bo's hand slips down her pants and Tamsin's can do nothing but turn her head away and moan into Bo's shoulder.

Next time, she promises, next time she will tell Bo the truth.

Tamsin wakes up early, when the sun is just starting to cast streaks of light into Bo's gloomy little room. She turns over to find Bo still fast asleep; she's so beautiful laying there, her legs tangled in the sheets, hair messy and frayed, her breasts blending perfectly with the other curves of her body, still beautiful, but so innocent in this sleeping form.

_You're so perfect _Tamsin thinks, and thank god she doesn't say it out loud. But her mind wanders back to a time when she did, when she was so drunk and so afraid that her inhibitions were near non-existent. And of course Bo responded the way that anyone would, (_I'm alright, but I'm not perfect). _And Tamsin had shaken her head, looked at her like she was such a fool, (_Yes you are, to me you are)._

Ever so gently, Tamsin brushes back a strand of hair from Bo's face; she knows that if Bo were to wake up right now it would all be over because Tamsin is looking at her like she is the most beautiful thing she has ever seen, and there would be no way to lie her way out of such a pure, and honest look.

Tamsin shakes her head, leans forward and places a barely there kiss on Bo's cheek, then she slides out of bed, puts on her clothes walks out to her car, and once she is safe with the door closed, she sobs for all that she's worth.


	4. Chapter 4

Bo knows that her relationship with Tamsin is complicated; it always has been. Since the first time she saw the Valkyrie she was in awe of her presence. She had a way of holding herself when she walked that made you look twice; her head was always held high in the air, and her confidence radiated from her with every step she took. Bo always thought she was like those women the great authors talked about in books; a force to be reckoned with, a beautiful storm that left tragedy in her wake, Tamsin was all of those things and more. And while it was the power and the sheer force of her that drew Bo to Tamsin in the first place, it was the mystery of what else lay underneath that surface that kept Bo coming back for more, and apparently Bo couldn't get enough.

She didn't feel guilty about it, not really, because Tamsin never seemed to grow tired no matter how much chi Bo took from her, and it wasn't hard for Bo to tell that Tamsin was enjoying herself. The way Bo sees it, it's a win for everybody involved.

There's a knocking on Bo's door, "Is everybody decent?" Kenzi asks, sounding very chipper which, after their last conversation regarding Tamsin, Bo is relieved for.

"It's just me Kenz," She calls back, "Come on in."

Kenzi bursts through the door and leaps onto the bed, bouncing like a child on Christmas morning. This is Bo's favorite thing about her, Kenzi has the heart of a child; so resilient, playful, and so innocent and free in the way she loves, she always sees people for exactly what they are. Bo smiles fondly at her, "Well, someone's in a good mood, and this early in the morning, I'm going to take a wild guess and say that you and Hale were pretty busy last night?"

Kenzi sits across from Bo on the bed and absentmindedly ruffles the bed sheets in her hands, she smiles, "I thought I told you that I don't kiss and tell BoBo."

Bo adopts a playful tone, "Oh, see I thought that only counted for kisses above the waist"

Kenzi fakes a scandalized expression and lightly pushes Bo backwards, they giggle like little girls. "Speaking of kissing, did you have that conversation with a certain Valkyrie that we talked about?" Kenzi lightly pokes at Bo's leg, affectionately probing.

Bo nods, "Yeah, we cleared some things up…"

Kenzi gestures with her hands for Bo to expand, "Such as…"

"Such as that she didn't actually mean that she loved me, she only said it because of my," Bo holds up her hands, "abilities."

Kenzi knows this is all a load of shit, and she is pretty sure Bo knows it too, but it's easier for Bo to believe in the lie. Kenzi wants to press the issue but she doesn't feel like fighting with Bo, she's in too good a mood, so she'll let it slide today, "Just be careful Bo, okay?"

Bo smiles, takes Kenzi's hand, "Don't worry Kenz, I will be fine."

Kenzi nods, but in her head she thinks, _It's not you that I'm worried about. _

If this was a movie it would be pouring rain outside, (Tamsin knows because Kenzi has shown her all the movies), and she would get out of her car, walk back into Bo's room, dripping water all over the place, looking like a beautiful wreck, and she would stand in the doorway and confess her love for Bo. She would do so unapologetically, and boldly, and Bo would approach her slowly and then cut her off with a searing kiss and the rest, as they say, would be history. And like an idiot, Tamsin plays this fake scene over and over in her head so many times that she starts to believe it could actually happen.

Tamsin is jolted out of her fantasy when her passenger door swings open and she's sees her little mama Kenzi climbing in. She quickly tries to wipe away the rest of her tears, clears her throat and sniffles a few times in an attempt to get rid of the evidence that she had been crying. If Kenzi notices she doesn't tell Tamsin, and she is so silently grateful for that.

Kenzi doesn't waste any time, "You told Bo that you said you loved her because she's a succubus and she's good in bed? Come on Tam Tam, if you're gonna lie at least tell one that's believable, didn't I teach you better?" Kenzi's tone is teasing and caring, she knows that Tamsin doesn't need a lecture right now, just someone to listen.

Tamsin smiles at Kenzi; she thinks for a second that it's funny how she has lived for thousands of years and been reborn so many freaking times and yet she can't remember any version of herself that wasn't raised by Kenzi, for the first time in all of her lifetimes, she finally has a person to call home. "What, you don't think that she bought it?"

Kenzi rolls her eyes playfully, "I think she bought it because she needed to buy it, she wants to jump your bones all the time and she needed a good excuse to get back into bed with you."

Tamsin nods, "That's all I'm good for huh? I mean I can't really expect her to love me after everything I did can I?"

Kenzi grabs Tamsin's hand and squeezes hard, "Hey you look at me young lady, you are good for so much more than that, you can twerk with the best of them, you make way better cookies than I do, and I bet you could recite every episode of the X Factor couldn't you? I don't want to watch you hurting like this anymore baby girl. You need to be honest with Bo; you need to tell her everything."

Tamsin knows it's true but still she can't help but wonder, "Even if she can't be what I need her to be, even if this is as good as it gets? I have to tell her the truth even if it means letting go of everything?"

Kenzi nods, "Especially if it means that."


	5. Chapter 5

**Part Five:**

It's moments like these, in the low light of Bo's bedroom at God only knows what hour of the night that Tamsin stops to think about the big picture. It's still hard for her sometimes, to remember every detail of her previous life, because she is, in many ways, a different person. She is able to recognize that the old Tamsin would never have been caught dead telling Bo that she loved her, but that didn't mean that Tamsin hadn't loved Bo with every step that she took, because she had. Tamsin loved Bo before she even knew that Bo existed, when she was just an impossible idea, a white whale, an image placed into her head by The Wanderer, and Tamsin was destined to love her long after she became so much more than all of that. She was destined to spend the rest of forever like this, living and dying loving Bo, coming back to life and looking for Bo without even knowing what she was looking for, until she found her, or until she remembered, and then she was destined to spend an eternity missing someone that she never had, because Bo was never Tamsin's to love, but she would love her anyways. And this was the big picture; there was no deluding herself that maybe one lifetime it would be Tamsin's turn to be with Bo, there was no version of this world were the Succubus and the Valkyrie lived happily ever after together. Tamsin would serve and expire and be re born until the earth stopped spinning and Bo would stay just as she was which meant that Tamsin was cursed to fall in love with Bo over again for an infinite amount of times, but Bo would never be waiting for her on the other side.

"Tamsin?" Bo gently places her hand on Tamsin's shoulder and gives her a small shake, "Tamsin, earth to Tamsin?"

Tamsin snaps out of her entrancing thoughts, "Yeah?"

Bo's voice is soft, and caring, "Where did you go just now? You looked kind of far away?"

Tamsin shrugs her shoulders, "I was just thinking, that's all, not a big deal."

"What were you thinking about? Did you not enjoy yourself tonight?" Bo runs her fingers down Tamsin's arm teasingly.

Tamsin pulls her arm away defensively, she feels dirty inside. She wasn't supposed to do this again, she hated that she always ended up here in bed with Bo, never saying what she really meant.

Bo sits up in the bed more, the sheet falls away from her chest but she doesn't bother to pull it back up, it's nothing Tamsin hasn't seen before. Tamsin tries not to stare, she can barely make out the outline of Bo's breasts in the shadows but her heart still races, she is still left to marvel at her beauty,

Bo reaches out her hand and cups Tamsin's cheek, attempting to turn the Valkryie's head in her direction, "Tamsin, what's wrong?"

Of all the things that are wrong, in this moment, the one that Tamsin is most taken by is how gentle Bo is being with her, how caring, and how much she hates it. Tamsin grabs Bo's wrist, and in one swift motion she swings over top of Bo so that her legs are on either side of her. She takes Bo's other wrist and pins both of them down onto the bed before bending down to kiss her furiously.

Bo tries to protest, turning her head away and gasping out, "Tamsin, what are you doing-hmph" Tamsin cuts her off with a kiss but she can still hear Bo mutter out, "Stop."

But Tamsin doesn't stop, she leaves Bo's hands pinned and presses her center down on top of Bo's hard. Tamsin breaks the kiss so that they can both let out a gasp. "Still want me to stop?" Tamsin sees Bo's eyes flash blue as she shakes her head violently. This time it's Bo who initiates the kiss, she reaches her head up the short distance and captures Tamsin's lips as they begin to grind against each other. Somewhere in the middle of it all, Tamsin releases her hold on Bo's wrists, and Bo uses her hands to cradle Tamsin's face, and for a moment, before they both reach the end, their eyes meet, and Tamsin can't hear a thing, not the car alarm outside, the shitty background music, the bed creaking underneath them, or the dog barking, it's just Bo, and she's looking at her and no one else. There's no Lauren or Dyson, no wanderer, there is no fucked up past or future, there's just right now, and it's the most peace that Tamsin has ever known.

Then it's over as quickly as it began, and they come together, foreheads pressed against the other's, and as Tamsin comes down from her high every sound and reality comes crashing back into her. She rolls off of Bo and onto her back, staring up at the ceiling.

"Fuck," Bo tries to catch her breath, "That was amazing, you should take control like that more often."

Tamsin clenches her fists, breathes and unclenches them, then, without saying a word she stands and begins to gather her clothes.

"Tamsin what are you doing? What's wrong?" Bo shuffles and struggles to prop herself up onto her elbows.

"I can't do this anymore." Tamsin says it while pulling her shirt over her head and without even turning to face Bo.

Bo reacts quickly, jumping out of bed and throwing her kimono on, "Tamsin, can you just calm down for a second and explain what the hell is going on?"

Tamsin whips around so fast that Bo staggers backward, "I just can't fucking do this anymore Bo, okay? What the hell do you want from me?"

"Tamsin what is this about?" Bo's voice is soft, defeated.

Tamsin looks at the floor, shakes her head and smiles a bit at the irony of it all, and then she decides she tired of holding back, "What's this about? This is about you kissing me in front of an audience like I'm some sort of fucking prize, this is about you fucking me," she points to the bed, "like I'm some whore for hire! This is about you being blind and selfish Bo!"

Bo cuts Tamsin off, "Selfish?!"

"Yeah, selfish!"

"Where do you get off calling me selfish?" Bo sounds incredulous.

"Oh I don't know Bo, you're the one that can't decide between Lauren and Dyson, and have you ever thought about why that might be? Maybe it's because you want them both for yourself and so you string them along never really thinking about how it might be hurting them, because as long as you can have them both in your life you're happy. But that's not enough is it? No, you also get to have sex with me whenever you feel like it. Why chose one person when you can string along three people, when you can have all of them instead of one of them, am I right?"

Bo opens her mouth to protest, but nothing comes out.

"Yeah," Tamsin shakes her head, "that's what I thought.

Tamsin turns to leave and ever so quietly she hears Bo say, "I don't ever want to see you again. Don't ever come back here."

The words stop Tamsin in her tracks, and with her back turned to Bo, she allows herself to cry, "Fine," she says, "I won't."


	6. Chapter 6

Tamsin sits in the Dal, downing drink after drink, but of course, being Fae, her tolerance is above average and sometimes no matter how much she drinks, it never dulls the pain; tonight is no exception. When Valkyries reincarnate they don't come back with any of their previous scars or tattoos, there are no marks on their skin, no evidence that they lived a life before this one and most of the time Tamsin likes it this way. Tamsin may not have the scar, but she can still take her hand and trace the shape of the scar that that bullet left, she can still feel it pierce her skin, she can still remember feeling scared of death for the first time in all of her lives and maybe that's because that time she was actually leaving something behind. And there she was again, Bo, popping up in her mind and her life. It seemed that no matter what Tamsin did to veer off the path of the succubus, inevitably she would return to it, all the while tracing the memory of a scar that hurt less than loving Bo ever did.

A large figure suddenly appears behind Tamsin and based off the cologne alone, Tamsin knows that it's Dyson before he even speaks. He takes a seat next to her at the bar, and it annoys Tamsin more than it should. She tightens her grip on her glass and keeps her eyes cast down.

"You know, seeing as you are technically only a few months old, you really shouldn't be drinking" Dyson's smiles at Tamsin as he reaches over the bar, grabs a glass and pours himself a beer from the tap. Tamsin watches as the golden colored liquid slowly fills the glass, and because of the slight tilt that Dyson holds the glass at, the foam disappears as quickly as it forms.

"So, you can pour a beer with no foam, what else do you have to show for your hundreds of years of life?" Tamsin doesn't know why it feels like a competition, she doesn't know why she is so irritated with the wolf, all he's ever been is kind to her.

"Whoa there partner, what's got you in such a bad mood?" Dyson doesn't sound mad, just surprised, and of course this bothers her too.

"I'm not your partner Dyson, I haven't been for awhile now." Maybe somewhere deeper down Tamsin feels bad for snapping at Dyson like this, but mostly it just feels good to be an asshole to somebody.

Dyson takes his hand and squeezes Tamsin's shoulder, "Maybe not, Tamsin, but you're still my friend, which means I care about you. What's going on?"

Tamsin laughs humorlessly, and rolls her eyes. She doesn't want to be a part of the "we love Bo club", and she sure as shit doesn't want to tell Dyson about it, but she looks up at him and she sees in his eyes genuine concern and instead of making her angry it makes her sad because she doesn't deserve it, she doesn't deserve any of it; not Dyson, not Kenzi, and especially not Bo. "I've done so many terrible things Dyson," Tamsin shakes her head and tries to stop the tears from falling, "but you guys still took me in, you still care…" She can't finish, she's said too much already and she can feel Dyson watching her as she takes a sip of her beer in an attempt to suppress the sob building in her throat.

"Tamsin," Dyson takes her hand this time, "I don't know about everyone else but you never let me down, you always had my back in the field, you were a damn good partner."

"I drove us off a cliff Dyson." Tamsin looks up at him and allows a slight smile to form on her face.

But Dyson remains serious and ever so sincerely he says, "You did what you had to do, and I trusted your instincts."

It's the first time anyone has ever told Tamsin they trusted her.

The club house is quiet when Tamsin gets back, but she can see the light from the TV in this kitchen and as she turns the corner she sees Kenzi passed out on the couch. She smiles fondly at her; Tamsin never thought in a million years that a human would be the one to teach her the right way to live in this world. Tamsin picks up a blanket from off of the floor and gently covers Kenzi with it, but she jolts awake.

Kenzi squints up at Tamsin and in a groggy voice she says, "Hey, you're back, and sweet faeby Jesus you smell like a brewery!"

Tamsin rolls her eyes, "I'll go take a bath, you just go back to sleep, I didn't mean to wake you up." Kenzi nods, still half asleep and closes her eyes again.

Tamsin walks upstairs and as she passes Bo's bedroom she sees that she's not there; it's for the better considering Bo told her she never wanted to see her again. Tamsin draws herself a bath and puts way too much bubble bath in, and for a moment she feels like a child again as she swishes the stray bubbles away from her face and crinkles her nose as they land there and tickle her. But then she remembers another time when she took a bath drunk and suddenly it's not so funny anymore. She gets in, despite the bath tub being filled with memories of Bo, and she closes her eyes and tries to relax.

Not even twenty minutes later Tamsin hears someone walking up the stairs, she assumes it's just Kenzi migrating to her room to sleep in an actual bed, but the footsteps stop right before the bathroom and Tamsin looks over to see Bo standing in the doorway.

"I thought I told you never to come back here." Bo doesn't sound pissed, she just sounds tired, and this eases Tamsin's anxiety a bit.

"I didn't have anywhere else to go, I'll start looking for my own place tomorrow."

Bo shakes her head, "Don't, it would break Kenzi's heart. You can stay, just um," she gestures to the bathtub, "don't use all my bubble bath."

Tamsin nods, and Bo "turns to walk away but Tamsin stops her, "Bo, I –"

Bo spins around and speaks over Tamsin, "Tamsin you said it was okay, you said you understood our arrangement."

Tamsin looks down, she feels embarrassed and a little ashamed of herself, "I know," she says, "I'm sorry Bo, I shouldn't have said all that stuff, especially the shit about Lauren and Dyson, I was out of line."

Bo shakes her head and walks further into the bathroom, she takes a seat on the toilet, "No you weren't, you were right. I can't choose between them and it is selfish, I am selfish."

"No you're not Bo; you're the least selfish person that I know. You love them both equally and in different ways, and if you choose one you lose the other. I get it, it's hard, and it's not your fault."

"Maybe, but they deserve better than this."

Tamsin thinks about Dyson in the Dal earlier, she thinks about Lauren slapping her, and she thinks about the way that Bo looks at both of them like they complete her. Tamsin wonders if it's possible that, being a succubus, Bo just has the capacity to love greater than any other living thing on the planet; maybe love isn't her weapon so much as her curse. "I don't know if there is anything better than you Bo." Tamsin says it so softly she isn't sure that Bo could hear.

"Tamsin…" Bo sounds so regretful, so apologetic and it makes Tamsin want to cry because truly she hasn't done anything wrong, "I never meant to hurt you; I never meant to hurt anybody."

Tamsin looks back at Bo and tries her best to smile, "Don't worry about me Bo, I'm fine, I just meant that for Lauren and Dyson you're it, they don't have another choice besides you and I don't think they want one."

Bo laughs a little, "You know you aren't making this any easier Tamsin."

Tamsin smiles, "Yeah, sorry, I guess it's just kind of a shit situation."

"Yeah," Bo nods, "I guess so."

Tamsin decides to be brave "So, where does that leave us?"

Bo doesn't answer, she stands up and walks over to the bath, Tamsin shifts uncomfortably suddenly feeling self conscious even though the bubbles are covering most of her and it's nothing Bo hasn't seen before, she just hates feeling emotionally vulnerable like this. Bo begins to strip off her clothes slowly and Tamsin watches, still in awe of Bo's beauty. Bo looks at Tamsin and then to the bath questioningly as if asking permission to get in and Tamsin nods.

Bo sinks down across from Tamsin and Tamsin's body temperature rises as she feels Bo's legs entwine with hers. "Usually it's best to get into a bath without clothes on; I find it to be more comfortable." Bo teases.

Tamsin smiles, "Yeah, I'm finding it to be preferable myself." They sit in silence for a few minutes, Bo runs her foot along Tamsin's leg under the water and plays with her fingers on the edge of the bath. Bo moves from Tamsin's hands to running a finger up and down her arm, it makes Tamsin's hairs standup but she recognizes that Bo isn't doing it in a sexual way, it feels almost…affectionate.

Bo looks up at Tamsin and stares at her for so long it starts to get uncomfortable, so Tamsin leans forward and impulsively captures Bo in a kiss. At first Tamsin doesn't feel like Bo is going to return it, but just as she starts to pull away Bo's lips begin to move against hers and it's slow and sensual and reminds Tamsin of the very first real kiss they shared in Brazenwood. Tamsin brings her hand up to cup Bo's face and Bo's hand rests on the back of Tamsin's neck, holding her in place. Bo opens her mouth slightly and Tamsin follows suit, expecting Bo to feed off of her, but Bo doesn't, she just softly adds tongue to the kiss, and Tamsin wonders how she can feel more from one kiss than from all of their sexual encounters combined. When they finally separate they leave their foreheads pressed together.

"Will you come to bed with me?" Bo asks, and Tamsin nods, still mesmerized by the kiss.

They get out of the bath and wrap themselves in towels and make their way to Bo's bed, they don't bother to put clothes on, they just climb under the covers naked. They lay facing each other and Tamsin lightly traces Bo's face, her lips, the outline of her nose, Bo closes her eyes and sighs softly. When Bo's breathing evens out, and Tamsin is sure she is asleep she whispers, "You're beautiful Bo, so, so beautiful." And she falls asleep wondering how promise can still feel so painful.


	7. Chapter 7

Note: Hey guys, I wanted to clear some things up: first of all I am sure you have all noticed that this story does not follow cannon after 4x08. I have not included Rainer or any of that shit because it's just not where I want this story to go. However, I have decided that I will make Hale's death, and the way that he died, a part of this story. This is simply because there are a lot of consequences and implications that come along with his death that, as a writer, I really would like to explore in the context of my story. So, I know it's hard and that our hearts are broken but I promise to try and handle this in the best way possible and give Kenzi the support and love that she deserves. Thank you for reading, you guys are amazing, and, as always, feedback is greatly appreciated! :)

Tamsin never saw it coming; thousands of years she spent walking hand in hand with death and she knew the sound of his footsteps like she knew the beat of her won heart and yet this time she didn't hear a single sound.

She wasn't a killer anymore, but after five minutes of listening to Kenzi sob Tamsin was out the door and tracking Massimo down like a mad dog; never in her life had she killed out of spite, never had she been so blinded by rage that she felt the need to use her own hands to beat the life out of someone. She felt so utterly human in that moment, kneeling on top of Massimo, the twig that made him immortal tossed just out of his reach, beating him like she was a bully on the playground, and she didn't care that he couldn't fight back; she didn't give a fuck. Tamsin didn't stop until he was literally within an inch of death, until he begged her for mercy, until his tears mixed with the blood on his face, and he promised never to go near Kenzi again. Only then did Tamsin stand up, take the twig and walk away. She didn't care if he died there, she hoped he would. She wiped her tears away with her bloody hands.

Later, she doesn't even flinch as she washes the blood away.

Everything changes; at first it's slow, then it's all consuming. Kenzi doesn't eat, she doesn't shower, or come out of her room, she stops crying after the first day and the silence is so haunting Tamsin wishes she would start again. More than anything, Kenzi refuses to speak to Bo.

A week later, on the day of the funeral, Tamsin carries Kenzi to the bathroom, she asks her if it's all right before she begins to remove her clothes, but Kenzi is like a zombie and she barely nods her head yes. When Tamsin removes her shirt Kenzi flinches noticeably and Tamsin looks down to see a large purple bruise covering her stomach, "Kenz..did Mass-did he do this to you?"

Kenzi pulls her arms across her stomach, as though she is hugging herself and she starts to squeeze. Tamsin stands frozen for a second, not really understanding what she is doing, but then Kenzi starts to squeeze herself tighter and tears start to form in her eyes and her breathing comes in short, painful puffs, and suddenly Tamsin understands; she's trying to hurt herself.

Tamsin grabs Kenzi's arms and tries to pull them away from her stomach to relieve the pressure on the bruise but Kenzi isn't budging, "Kenzi stop," Tamsin's voice shakes as tears of her own begin to surface, "Kenzi please, don't do that." She wrestles with her, amazed at how strong Kenzi still is even after days of not eating and being so small in general. "Kenzi it wasn't your fault," Tamsin releases her grip on Kenzi's arms and moves them to cradle her face, she turns her head so that she is looking her in the eye, "it wasn't your fault."

Kenzi finally looks right at Tamsin, lets go of her hold on her stomach and collapses into Tamsin's arms, sobbing for all that she's worth. Tamsin holds her as tightly as she can, but for the life of her she can't keep herself from crying too. She's scared because she doesn't recognize this girl that's in her arms, and she doesn't think she can save her; she needs Bo.

Tamsin eventually gets Kenzi into the bath and cleans her up, being careful not to touch Kenzi's bruise. She makes a mental note to talk to Lauren about the bruising, just in case it's something serious.

When Kenzi is clean and getting dressed, Tamsin goes down into the kitchen to make her something to eat. Bo is sitting on the couch, staring blankly in front of her. She's wearing a gorgeous black dress and her hair is down, resting lightly on her shoulders; she looks stunning, but Tamsin doesn't say anything because the circumstances for which she is dressed up are far too grim to allow for any compliments.

Bo looks up when she hears Tamsin walking towards her, "How's Kenzi?

_Broken _Tamsin thinks, "She's okay, she took a bath and she's getting dressed. I was going to make her something to eat but…"

"She likes lucky charms, but only the marshmallows…when she's sick she eats those even though I tell her not to because it's just all sugar but you know, they make her feel better."

Tamsin smiles a bit, "Yeah, I can do that." She walks into the kitchen and gets a bowl down but Bo calls her back.

"Tamsin, I need to ask you something."

Tamsin walks back to the couch and sits down next to Bo, "Yeah of course, anything."

Bo's eyes are cast down at her feet, staring intently at the toes of her black heels, "Wasn't it hard, being a Valkyrie, and being surrounded by death every day, and knowing that you were the cause of some of it?"

Tamsin looks away from Bo, "It was always just a job for me, it was never…I never really felt responsible for any of it because it was just something I had to do to survive, it was all that I knew." She looks down at her hands, thinks for a second about the way it felt to pound the life out of Massimo, and realizes that the pleasure that gave her was scarier than all of her jobs combined. But she can't tell Bo this. "It wasn't really the being surrounded by death that bothered me so much."

"What was it then?" Bo asks.

"Humanity," Tamsin says, turning her head to look at Bo again, and to her surprise the succubus is staring right back at her and her eyes curious, "I was a monster, my only purpose in life was to deliver souls, I didn't have another choice but humans, they have a choice. They have a choice and they choose to start wars, to lock away those that believe in different things, to suffocate them in gas chambers, they choose to be monsters, and they call it progress; they call it fighting for change, for freedom, for the ultimate society, and for the betterment of mankind. Yet they still preach about being inherently good. The only person that ever made me believe that was true is Kenzi." Tamsin hadn't realized she was crying until now, "She deserved better than this, so much better."

Bo takes Tamsin's hand, then leans over and places a lingering kiss on her cheek. Tamsin closes her eyes and leans into it, "I was right about you," Bo says, "you are one of the good ones."


	8. Chapter 8

Of all the deaths that Tamsin had witnessed in her life she has never been present for the part that comes afterward, the grieving part, and she was glad for this. There was no statue of limitations when it came to grief, it was, Tamsin had discovered, a deeply personal experience, and yet she still can't help but feel as though she is doing it wrong.

Kenzi had not laughed once in the month since the funeral; Tamsin knows this because she spends every waking moment by her side, and if Kenzi minds she doesn't say so, which Tamsin is grateful for because Tamsin is afraid if she lets Kenzi out of her sight for even a second, she might disappear completely, but watching her fade away slowly isn't much better.

If Kenzi feels any physical pain from her broken ribs, (Lauren's official diagnosis), she doesn't show it, but Tamsin still asks about them every day, "How do your ribs feels today Kenz?"

"Fine," It's always the same answer.

Tamsin looks down, she's in the kitchen attempting to make eggs for Kenzi but she'll be the first to admit she has no fucking idea what she's doing, "Good. Do you want to go out today? It's supposed to be warm, we could just go for a walk or something, and we don't have to go far."

Kenzi shakes her head, "That's okay Tamsin."

Tamsin is about to push some more at Kenzi when the door to the club house swings open and Bo comes staggering in, looking like she got into a fight with a very large breed of underfae and lost. Kenzi tenses instantly; the two of them still aren't speaking and usually Bo does everything in her power to make sure she and Kenzi don't cross paths so as not to upset her, and Tamsin can slowly see it breaking Bo's heart.

But Bo doesn't seem to be worried about that right now, her internal bleeding and probable concussion are weighing heavier on her mind, "Tamsin," Bo says, trying to catch her breath, "I need to heal."

Tamsin's face gets hot and she can feel the blush rising under her skin, "What the hell happened Bo?" She asks.

"This is nothing," Bo says, "you know what they say, you should see the other guy."

Tamsin looks at her skeptically, "Yeah…I find that hard to believe."

Bo opens her mouth to respond but before she can speak, Kenzi says her first words to Bo since Hale's death, "You're dripping blood all over the floor, we don't need another blood stain." And just like that, she slides off the stool she'd been sitting on and walks upstairs.

"Kenzi!" Tamsin shouts after her, turning the stove top off and jogging out of the kitchen and towards the stairs, but Bo catches her wrist and stops Tamsin before she reaches them.

"Tamsin, let me." Bo squeezes Tamsin's wrist before she releases it and turns towards the stairwell.

"Bo, you're hurt." Tamsin pleads.

"So is she," Bo replies matter-of-factly, "She needs me and I have avoided her for too long.

Tamsin doesn't say anything more, just nods and lets Bo go after Kenzi.

Kenzi's door is slightly ajar but Bo still knocks softly as a courtesy, "Kenz? I'm gonna come in okay?" When she doesn't hear Kenzi protest she proceeds to walk into her room.

It's dark in the room, and Bo can just barely make out Kenzi sitting on her bed; she's staring straight ahead, twirling a ring around her finger.

"You still dripping blood everywhere?" Kenzi asks, her tone flat.

Bo ignores the question and slowly walks towards the end of Kenzi's bed.

Kenzi stops her before she can sit down, "Don't…just…just stay where you are okay?"

"Okay," Bo nods, trying not to sound too hurt; she knows she has no right to be.

"This isn't….this isn't…you can't just come in here and apologize and expect everything to be normal again okay?" Kenzi tries to stay calm, but her voice wavers.

"I know that Kenz…"

"No, Bo, that's just it, you don't know. You have no idea what it's like."

"Then help me understand Kenz." Bo tries to step forward and reach out to Kenzi but Kenzi puts her hand up to stop her.

"You can't understand Bo, you're a succubus and I'm a human and you'll never understand what that's like. I couldn't save him Bo, but you could have, you could have."

Bo shakes her head, "No Kenzi, I couldn't, not when it meant losing you."

Kenzi whips her head around and looks straight at Bo, "It wasn't about you Bo! It was about me, it was about what I wanted, what I needed!"

Bo doesn't give a fuck about Kenzi's boundaries anymore, she rushes to her side and kneels down in front of Kenzi and cradles her face in her hands. Kenzi tries to look away, but Bo holds her tightly, "I won't apologize for not killing you Kenzi and maybe that is selfish of me, but I don't care. I need you Kenzi; I need you here, alive, with me, and I know it's what Hale would have wanted too. He would have never wanted you to sacrifice yourself for him."

Kenzi pushes Bo away, "I know that okay? I know."

They sit in silence for a long time, Bo eventually gets up and sits next to Kenzi on the bed, making sure to keep her distance for Kenzi's sake. There really isn't more she can say except, "I love you Kenzi."

Kenzi lets out a long sigh through her nose, "I know."

Bo comes back down the stairs after what feels like hours and Tamsin jumps up from the couch when she sees her, "Is she okay? Are you okay?"

Bo walks over and plops down on the couch, exhausted, "She's still angry, but I think there's hope that she might not hate me forever."

Tamsin sits back down next to Bo, "She won't Bo; she doesn't even hate you now she's just…grieving." Tamsin reaches for Bo's hand and entwines their fingers together.

Bo pulls Tamsin into an awkward but tight embrace, "Thank you Tamsin, for taking such good care of Kenzi."

Tamsin nods into Bo's shoulder, "You don't have to thank me Bo, she's family; I owe her everything."

Bo pulls away from the hug but remains holding Tamsin's hand. Tamsin strokes her thumb along the back of Bo's hand and for a moment everything feels so simple, like maybe loving Bo isn't such a bad thing, and maybe she could be good enough for her, maybe Bo could love her back. And Tamsin feels guilty for a moment for thinking about such a selfish thing when everything is still so fragile and everyone is still so hurt, but maybe all the cliché statements really do hold some truth; maybe life is short even if you have thousands of them, and maybe death really does make you appreciate things more and not take things for granted, maybe you should seize every moment and live every day like it was your last. Maybe this moment right here, in the dim light of the living room, holding Bo's hand, staring at her beat up face that was still the most beautiful thing she's ever seen, was as good a moment as any to tell her that she loved her.

Tamsin can feel herself on the edge of those words and she opens her mouth to say them but then Lauren's name falls from Bo's lips and Tamsin is sure she feels her heart stop in her chest, _what._

Bo continues, "All this has made me realize that I need to start actually trying to win her back, and prove to her that things can be better this time. Life's too short you know?"

Tamsin's hand slips from Bo's but she doesn't seem to notice, "Yeah," Tamsin says, her eyes glassing over as she stares mindlessly at the floor, "life's too short."


	9. Chapter 9

Despite their previous affirmation that life is indeed, too short, Tamsin is suddenly overcome with the realization that the lives of Fae are unbearably long and they don't have the luxury of pulling the 'life's too short' excuse every time they need a reason to jump out of plain or quit their job or even confess their love because truthfully, they have all the time in the world.

But Tamsin won't let Bo forget that Lauren doesn't, "She's going to die someday you know and even worse than that she's going to grow old while you stay just the way you are now. Is that the kind of love story you want Bo?" She knows she has no right to say any of this, but she's tired of Bo being blind, she's tired of her only seeing what she wants to see.

Despite the hostile nature of Tamsin's comments, Bo doesn't react angrily, perhaps because she knows Tamsin is right, "I don't know what kind of love story I want Tamsin, all I know is that I love Lauren, and that should be enough."

Tamsin scoffs mockingly at Bo, _how can she be so stupid, _"Are you really that naïve Bo? Look around you!" Tamsin stands up from the couch and turns to face Bo, who sinks back into the couch slightly, surprised by Tamsin's aggressive stance. "Was love enough to keep Hale from dying? No. Was love enough to keep Dyson from giving his away? Was love enough to keep your own Grandfather from lying to you about everything?" Tamsin looks away from Bo for a second, she knows she shouldn't say more, she knows she's gone too far already, but she speaks anyway, "Lauren said she loved you, but was that enough to keep her from leaving you? Do you still think you're just on a break Bo? Do you still think Kenzi's going to forgive you? Wake up Bo; love was never enough."

Now Bo's angry and she pushes Tamsin back and stands up off the couch, "Shut up!" She pushes Tamsin again, harder this time, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Bo beats her hands on Tamsin's chest like a child and tears begin to fall from her eyes at an alarming pace and blur her vision.

Tamsin grabs both of Bo's wrists and tries to hold her still has she struggles against her.

"Stop it Tamsin! Just let me go, just let me go!" Bo is sobbing now, and her eyes are flashing blue but it's not like Tamsin has ever seen before, and it scares her.

"Bo," Tamsin tries to keep her own tears at bay, "Shh, it's okay Bo, it's okay," Tamsin pulls Bo against her, lets go of her wrists and wraps her arms tightly around Bo's body, "I've got you baby, please, just stop."

Bo's sobs make her whole body heave and she struggles to get words out, "I'm so sorry Kenzi, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for anybody to die."

Tamsin sinks to the floor with Bo still in her arms, she presses her lips to the side of her head and tries to quiet her, "It's not your fault Bo, it's not your fault. It's mine Bo, Massimo is all my fault, shhh please it's gonna be okay, shhh."

They stay like that for a long time, crying against each other, Tamsin cradling Bo's head and Bo grasping at Tamsin's shirt. Tamsin strokes Bo's hair and threads her fingers all the way through it, trying so hard to fix what's broken.

When Bo's body stops shaking and her crying seems to have subsides, Tamsin pulls her face back just enough to look at Bo. She takes in the dried blood around her nose and lips, her black eye, "Oh Bo," she says, lightly running her thumb under Bo's swollen lip, "You need to heal."

Before Bo can protest Tamsin is lifting her shirt above her head and she nods at Bo to do the same. Once Bo's shirt is off Tamsin can see all of the bruising along her chest, she reaches behind Bo and unclasps her bra. Bo flinches as Tamsin gently slides the straps down her shoulders to remove it. They sit there for a moment as Tamsin runs her hand gently along Bo's collar bone, taking in the succubus's broken state. Tamsin is suddenly taken aback by the fact that she alone can heal Bo, she doesn't need medicine or ice, just her chi and this sends a wave of arousal through Tamsin. In one quick motion Tamsin slips out of her own bra and pulls Bo in for a gentle but purposeful kiss.

Bo moans gently into it and Tamsin takes this as her cue and opens her mouth so that Bo can feed from her. Bo doesn't take much; she doesn't want Tamsin to be drained before they even begin. Once Bo is done feeding she re-captures Tamsin's lips in a passionate kiss. Tamsin leans into it and wraps her arms around Bo's back to pull her closer. Bo places one hand on Tamsin's shoulder while the other cradles the side of her face as she slowly moves from kissing Tamsin's lips to kissing down her jaw line, beneath her ear lobe and finally onto the soft skin of her neck. Tamsin lets out a small gasp and tilts her head back to give Bo better access. She'd be content to let Bo kiss her there forever but she reminds herself that this is about Bo needing to heal, so she brings her hands from behind Bo's back and uses them to gently pull Bo away from her neck.

"Lay back," Tamsin tells Bo softly and Bo complies, but she stays propped up on her elbows as Tamsin struggles to unbutton Bo's leather pants and pull them off of her, "Jesus, can't you ever wear jeans like a normal person?" Tamsin teases and Bo laughs, and the sound of it sends Tamsin's heart soaring. Once the pants are off Tamsin leans over Bo and kisses her deeply, Bo presses her hands softly against the expanse of Tamsin's back, encouraging her. Tamsin moves to kiss Bo's neck and she slowly kisses down to the dip right before her collar bone while she presses her thigh against Bo's center through her underwear.

Bo lets out a soft moan and brings her hands around to firmly grasp Tamsin's breasts, Tamsin's head swims at the contact and she rests her forehead down on Bo's chest for a moment, trying to refocus her thoughts. Bo grinds her hips up against Tamsin's thigh, urging her on and Tamsin goes back to work slowly kissing down Bo's body. She doesn't linger anywhere for too long because she can feel Bo squirming beneath her, silently begging for more. Tamsin gently kisses Bo's inner thighs, as she peels back her underwear and slides it as far down as she can so that Bo can kick it off the rest of the way. It's all very choppy and unrehearsed, considering the amount of times they have done this now; there is just something so much more _desperate a_bout this. Tamsin isn't down there very long before Bo's moans get louder and her hands tangle in blonde hair, while she presses herself up against soft lips and a steady tongue. Moments later Bo is unraveling against Tamsin her legs shaking and her chest heaving and any bruise that may have existed on her body before are nothing but a distant memory now.

Tamsin crawls back up to kiss Bo gently, before resting her body on top of Bo's. Bo threads her fingers through Tamsin's hair and gazes softly at the ceiling, "Thank you," She says, "for helping me heal," and she feels Tamsin nod slightly against her.

"Bo?"

"Hmm?' Bo hums.

"Don't go see Lauren." Tamsin regrets the words as soon as she says them, and she can feel Bo tense against her.

"Tamsin…Why?"

Tamsin takes a deep breath, and sits up off of Bo. She stares hard at the ground, clenches and unclenches her fists, and tries to keep her breathing steady but she's _angry _and she's tired; tired of being a liar. Because this is what she does, this is what they do; they look each other in the eye and they lie, they hold each other's hands and they lie, they curl their fingers inside of each other and they lie, they lie, they lie. And suddenly Tamsin isn't sure why the truth was ever enough to send her running in the opposite direction and into this entangled mess of trying to disguise love as lust and passion as hunger. How was it ever scarier than this nightmare right here of only having Bo with the lights off behind a closed door, moaning her name like it was some precious secret rather than an anthem she wanted to belt from the rooftops, rest of the world be damned because she _loved _her, she loved her like a fucking symphony, she loved her like all of the fucking metaphors in the world could never grasp because this love was the accumulation of every emotion, it was the absence of nothing, and yet she still felt so empty. And right now, in this moment, nothing, _nothing_ in this world is scarier than Bo not knowing this.

And so she says it "Because I'm in love with you."


	10. Chapter 10

_Because I'm in love with you._

It's not beautiful, it's not everything the movies and tv shows and books promise that it will be; it's three words made up of eight different letters and it's a lie just as often as it's a promise. And it doesn't float in the air, it doesn't slowly cascade to the ground and dissipate beautifully; it shatters. It's ugly and scared and spoken like a question from shaking hands that already know the answer.

"You've said that before" Bo's voice is cold.

"I know" Tamsin's is colder.

"Are you saying that you mean it this time?" Bo is testing her and Tamsin hates it.

So Tamsin tests her back, "What, you're not going to ask me to say it again?"

Bo clenches her jaw; her hands are covering her still naked chest, "Just answer the damn question Tamsin."

Tamsin throws up her hands, laughs humorlessly, "I've always meant it Bo."

"Then why the hell did you spin that bullshit about only saying it because we were in the middle of fucking?" Bo reluctantly removes one of her arms from her chest to reach for her shirt and pulls it over her head.

"You have no right to ask me that question, Bo."

"The hell I don't -" Bo tries to protest but Tamsin cuts her off.

"Yeah the hell you don't Bo, fuck you!"

Bo scoffs, "Oh, one minute you love me now it's all 'fuck you!'?"

Tamsin struggles with the clasp of her bra; her hands are shaking, "Yes Bo that's exactly it," She gives up, instead pulling the blanket hanging on the back of the couch to cover her naked torso, "fuck you because you knew how I felt, you knew that I meant every word. And you begged me to keep saying it. Do you remember that Bo? Or did you conveniently forget all about how you used me not just to fuck you but to love you! Don't pretend like that's not what you have been doing this whole entire time! This isn't about sex," She gestures between the two of them but Bo isn't looking at her, "you could have sex with anybody you wanted. No, this is about you needing to feel loved and so you used me because you knew how I felt about you. And you bought all of my excuses because you needed to, because you needed to convince yourself that you weren't using me." Tamsin shakes her head and laughs bitterly, "God, I have been sitting here for months afraid to tell you something you already knew."

Tamsin looks over at Bo who is still sitting with her head hung afraid to even look in Tamsin's direction, she shakes her head, stands and pulls her shirt over her head. But just as Tamsin is about to walk away Bo reaches up and grabs her wrist, "Tamsin please I…I care about you Tamsin I do."

Tamsin yanks her wrist away violently, and she tries to walk away but her body still feels warm in all the places that Bo touched and she can feel the start of a bruise on her neck where Bo bit and sucked just a little too hard, and Tamsin hates herself because she _likes _it, she likes that Bo will linger on her days after she walks away from this moment that is starting to feel more and more like an ending. Panic suddenly begins to rise in Tamsin's chest because what if this is the end? _There's still so much left to say, _she thinks, and she tries to convince herself that Bo isn't worth another breath from her lungs but she speaks anyway, "How can you sit there and claim that you care about me? What were you going to do if you and Lauren got back together Bo? Pretend this never happened? Lie to yourself about how I really felt for the rest of your life? See me every day and knowing that you broke my heart? You don't care Bo, you never have."

Tamsin doesn't wait for a reply; she walks towards the door, never looking back. There's dried blood on the doorknob, no doubt from Bo walking in after her fight earlier, and Tamsin stares down at it, but not for long. All it does is remind her of all the times she's fixed Bo, only to walk away more broken inside.

**One month later:**

Kenzi and Tamsin trek up the narrow staircase carrying the last load of boxes from the back of Tamsin's truck.

Kenzi groans, "Tamsin you have only been alive for like six months now how the _hell _do you have this much stuff?"

Tamsin smiles, "Need I remind you Kenz that like half of this shit is stuff that you gave me and I've kind of had hundreds of lifetimes before this one to accumulate a lot of crap."

They reach the door to the new apartment and Kenzi clambers in, drops the boxes on the ground with a dramatic huff before collapsing onto the single sofa sitting awkwardly in the living room adjacent to the kitchen, "We needs to go furniture shopping stat Tam Tam because this thing is ugly as hell not to mention uncomfortable."

Tamsin sets her boxes down, walks over to the couch and lifts Kenzi's legs up so that she can sit on the couch too, "Whatever you say Kenz, I am just so glad I finally found a place."

Kenzi sits up, allowing Tamsin a little more room, "You could have just come back to the clubhouse Tamsin, you didn't have to keep sleeping on Trick's couch; it's your home too now."

Tamsin smiles over at Kenzi, "You know why I couldn't Kenz, I needed a new start. Besides, I got a two bedroom on purpose, you can come and stay whenever you want. I know it's still hard there what with Bo and…Hale."

Kenzi looks down at her hands, it's still hard to hear his name, and Tamsin is right, every time she walks into the kitchen the image of him laying there dead haunts her, and sometimes late at night she swears she can still smell his cologne on her pillowcase despite having washed it since he died, "You know I might have to take you up on that offer more than you think," Kenzi smiles, "but for now, Bo and I are still trying to repair things and we both know she can't take care of herself, she needs someone to look after her."

"What about me?" Tamsin feels like a child again and she thinks back to making cookies with Kenzi in the kitchen, and Kenzi reading her Dr. Seuss books every night to help her fall asleep.

Kenzi looks fondly at Tamsin, reaches out to her and places her hand on her cheek, "You are all grown up kiddo, you don't need me anymore."

Tamsin shakes her head, "I'll always need you Momz."

Kenzi removes her hand from the side of Tamsin's cheek and folds it with her other in her lap, she stares down at her fingers tangled together, "That's what I called my mom when I was a kid you know, Momz, in case you know, you ever wondered where it came from. She came to see me before…before Hale proposed he found my mom and called her and she came to see me. She told me she had left my stepdad, the reason I ran away when I was fifteen, but it wasn't the truth, she never left him. If she wouldn't leave him when he locked me in a closet why would she leave him just because she hadn't seen me in ten years?" Kenzi shakes her head to fight the oncoming tears, "It just sucks because I really could have used my mom through this you know?"

Tamsin reaches over and takes Kenzi's hand, "You're nothing like her Kenz. I should know seeing as you raised me.

It's a simple statement but it's one that Kenzi has always needed to believe in. She squeezes Tamsin's hand in silent thanks.

"Come on," Tamsin says, standing, "let's start unpacking all of this stuff."

Kenzi follows suit and opens up and box to reveal several stuffed animals that she had passed down to Tamsin, "Oh my, it seems like only a few months ago that I gave these to you," Kenzi says while holding up a teddy bear for Tamsin to see, "and now look, you're moving into your own place. They grow up so fast."

Tamsin rolls her eyes, reaches for the pillow on the couch and playfully chucks it at Kenzi's head, "Shut up you, it _was _only a few months ago genius."

Kenzi squeals and ducks out of the way, and the two of them laugh freely for a moment and it's the happiest either of them have felt in a long time.

A few moments pass and then Kenzi interrupts the happy silence, "I'm proud of you Tamsin"

Tamsin continues to sort the items from the box she is unpacking, "For what, getting an apartment? Thanks Kenz, but –"

Kenzi shakes her head, "No," she says, "for having the strength to move on."

Tamsin smiles at her but truthfully she doesn't feel very strong at all.

Kenzi gets back to the clubhouse late and walks in to find Bo sprawled out on the couch watching TV and drinking a bottle of wine, minus the glass. Kenzi walks over to her, picks the remote up off the coffee table and turns off the TV, then plucks the wine bottle from Bo's hand roughly.

"What the hell Kenz!" Bo yells, taken by surprise and more than obviously a little tipsy.

"What the hell is right Bo, what are you doing?" Kenzi moves her hands around in the air to indicate she is referring to Bo's life in general, not just the present moment.

"I'm figuring it out okay?" Bo replies, sounding peeved.

"No," Kenzi answers, "it's not okay."

"Look Kenzi I can't get Lauren back and I'm not in love with Dyson anymore, my best friend in the whole world is still pissed at me, and I'm not exactly ready to jump back into the dating game so I'm just going to sit here and wallow in my self-pity for a while longer until I figure out who the hell I am supposed to be with." Bo throws up her hands in defeat and reaches around Kenzi to grab the bottle of wine off the table where Kenzi placed it.

Kenzi growls in frustration, "God Bo you are so impossible sometimes! I love you to death Bo and I'm not mad at you anymore, I forgave you a long time ago. There is a bigger issue here and that's that there's a really important person that you left out just now, and that's my entire point Bo. You are so hung up on Lauren and Dyson and you think there is no other possibility besides them when it comes to love. You've shut yourself away from the world for so long that the right person for you has been in front of you this whole goddamn time and you've been too blind to open up your eyes and see her!"

Bo doesn't have to ask to figure out that the person Kenzi is talking about is Tamsin; she knows.


End file.
